Romance - DVD segment 12

by Lezlie Gomes

We all want to feel safe and accepted. We all want to feel loved. Romantic relationships, like relationships with our peers, help shape who we are and who we become. How have your romantic relationships shaped you? Can you be happy and confident when you are not in a romantic relationship? Do your romantic relationships tend to be healthy or unhealthy? In this segment we explore this issue.

Confidence in Yourself

Confidence is a powerful thing. When we’re confident in ourselves, other people take notice. We don’t have to try to be something that we are not to attract or to please someone else.

“For all those girls out there, my advice would be to not let how guys look at you dictate how you feel about yourself. Have confidence in yourself and they’ll see that confidence and that’s what’s important.”^{Amanda
on video}

For Tina, a healthy relationship can only come when she is “whole” on her own.

“Being burned in the past from relationships there is still a feeling of repercussions and scars and just the healing… but if I’m not totally at peace with who I am, on my own, by myself… any kind of relationship would only be trying to fulfill that empty part of me… when I’m at a place when I’m able to not only offer myself but also receive someone and welcome them and be cool with that, I think that that’s just a really great place to be.”

Although Tina acknowledges that it takes a lot of work to get to that place, she would rather take the time than to sacrifice or give part of herself to a partner that she didn’t really like simply for the sake of being in a relationship.

If you are currently in a romantic relationship, consider why you are in it. Are you trying to fill an empty spot in your life? Or are you able to both give to and receive from your partner?

Karen on the video discusses that if she is going to invest time in a relationship, she wants it to be long term, not just a “spring fling”. She wants to be with someone who is willing to allow her to discover who she is and who she is to become while discovering who her partner is and will become. She acknowledges the importance of figuring yourself out, but knows that this is a process.

Katherine admits that she is happiest when she’s alone because she’s out there, doing her own thing, spending time with her friends. She takes better care of herself and doesn’t need to worry about why a guy hasn’t called and then analyze the reasons... “Is it something I did, is it something I wore, am I gaining weight?” You can’t do everything just to please a partner. In the video, Karen cautions that we need to be careful not to associate our confidence with another person and emphasizes that our confidence must come from within ourselves. It’s easy to put ourselves down and to define ourselves by another person’s standards. What really defines you? Who is the real you?

Exercise 12.1: Take a moment to think about, and may even write down, a few characteristics about yourself that you really like.

· Maybe you have a fantastic sense of humour.

· Or perhaps you are an honest and trustworthy individual and people depend on you.

. What are you good at?

· What are you proud of?

Expectations

For Karen, it is important that her partner have realistic expectations, especially with respect to how she feels about her own body. She needs a partner who will be aware of these issues and not hinder her own growth and acceptance of herself. She needs the time and space to resolve her own issues. From a partner, she expects a relationship that will be totally committed with honesty and trust. As she says on the video, “A healthy relationship is not with someone who is going to make you change any part of your body… take it or leave it…”

Exercise 12.2: Consider your own expectations for a romantic relatioship.

· What characteristics do you value the most in a partner?

· What do you value most in a romantic relationship?

· What are your non-negotiables? For example, how important is it for your partner to share your beliefs and convictions. How important is it that your partner challenges you and encourages your personal growth?

What They Really Think: A Case of Mistaken Mind Reading

Guys and girls are influenced by what they think others think, but often times these assumptions are flat out wrong. In a study involving almost 500 women and men in university, participants were shown a picture of a man and a woman at different body weights. They were asked to rate which weight they thought was ideal, and which weight they thought the opposite sex would find most attractive. The women consistently chose a woman slimmer than what the men chose as most attractive. The men were also inaccurate about what they thought women would prefer, but in the opposite direction. They thought women found a larger and more muscular man attractive than what the women actually did prefer. Source: Fallon, A.E., & Rozin, P. (1985). Sex differences in perceptions of desirable body shape. Journal of Abnormal Psychology. 94(1), 102-105.

Now this doesn’t mean you should ask all those around you what they think your weight should be. Everyone has their own idea of what they find attractive and to try and match everyone’s preference would be impossible. What this study and studies like it do point out is that often what we think others think is inaccurate. It’s easy to get confused when the media is constantly telling us what we should find attractive, but think about your own everyday life and relationships. Have you ever had a friend who didn’t think she was attractive, but you thought was beautiful? Or have you ever liked someone your friend didn’t think was all that great looking? Everyone is different and the best you can do is be yourself and stop guessing what everyone else thinks is attractive. Afterall, you’ll likely be wrong.

What’s Healthy?

For Amanda, a healthy relationship is one in which you can eat as much as you want, snore, cry, burp, and just be yourself without worrying about being judged. A partner in a healthy relationship will make you feel comfortable and not hold you back, even if it means someday losing you.

Here’s what other women from our survey had to say about healthy romantic relationships:

“You need to be able to trust each other. You need to try and understand what each other wants or needs in the relationship. Treating each other with respect will build a healthy relationship.”¹⁶⁰

“Healthy relationships are honest, truthful, it’s two sided – give and take both ways, respectful. A healthy relationship is one that makes you feel good and happy to be around that person. A healthy relationship is non-judgemental and ultimately trusting. I think a healthy relationship should feel safe.”¹⁹²

“…both benefit from relationship; trust; make each other laugh and smile; can count on them no matter what; accepting; know how each other’s feeling.”¹⁵⁷

“open; can easily converse; trusting; happy; excited to see that person”¹⁰³

“Being true friends”¹²³

Red Flags

Here are some pretty obvious signs of an unhealthy and/or abusive relationship. Unfortunately, the red flags are often obvious to others before the person herself realizes the relationship predicament that she have fallen into. It may take the well intentioned advice of a friend or family member to point out the negative reality before she can begin to change the situation for the better.

· Partner is always putting you down, especially in front of others.

· Partner tells you that no one else will ever love you.

· You need to be in a relationship in order to feel good about yourself.

· Partner gets angry when you want to spend time with others (friends or family).

· Partner pressures or forces you to perform sexual acts you’re not comfortable with.

. Partner hits you, slaps you, and/or yells at you.

· Partner calls you derogatory names.

· Partner makes the decisions and doesn’t listen to your opinions.

· Partner wants you to drop everything for him/her.

· Partner doesn’t accept your faults or encourage you to get back up when you fall.

· Partner doesn’t allow you to grow as a person.

Cutting Loose the Baggage: Learning from Unhealthy Relationships

We are shaped by our relationships. We can either learn from our relationships or take the baggage from previous unhealthy relationships and repeat the same patterns. When we are in safe, healthy relationships characterized by mutual respect, honesty, we learn that we are worthy of love and acceptance. If our relationships are unhealthy, we may learn that we are not worthy of love and continue to pursue relationships that fit what we’ve come to believe about ourselves – our conditional worthiness.

Sometimes we find ourselves at the end of a single or even string of unhealthy and unsatisfying relationships. What would happen if someone like this decided to take a break from the dating scene? What if she concentrated on building healthy friendships? Perhaps the relationships have left her feeling like Katherine on the video, that all guys are looking for a “quick fix”, that they don’t care, and are all out to hurt girls. Or maybe she’s more like Kat who believes that there is someone out there who wants you for more than a quick fix, someone who can offer you what you’re looking for and what you deserve. She may just have to hold out for it and try not to give into the meaningless stuff.